Personal Poems:
The Arrival of Winter
Baby
Bathed in Blue
Blinded
Bound
The Damaged Soul
Dark To Light
Decay
disconnect
Faith
frozen statues
If I Wake Up
indigo petals
The Seeds of Wisdom
Shards in the Moonlight
shuffle, without repeat
Standing by the Gate
Stay
To Be Loved
when i is lowercase
A Wandering Spirit
The Whirlwind
Who I Am
The Arrival of Winter
Wandering, fading away
Leaves flutter and fly
The tree is broken, decayed
While this chill wind dies
I place myself on the ground
Resting these grave limbs
My thoughts in tumult, unsound
With images of him
He will not know, my chance lost,
My chance to say gone
My breath shivers, puffs of frost
Release a sad song
Wounded in my pride
Why do I always hide
Cover feelings with a smile
Pretending I’m fine for awhile
When will the mask slip
The walls crumble and rip
The emotions out, released
The despised lies finally cease
I am so tired on this earth
So frozen, so sad
Unsure what this life is worth
What joy can be had
I would leave here, get away
Yet nothing would change
Inside of me all is gray
Bitter, jaded, aged
Just a dead tree without leaves
I’m starkly outlined
I stay here until I freeze
When snow blankets me
Baby
You were my baby
Tiny tabby cat
You were so dainty
Sitting on my lap
You followed me around
Grey inquisitive eyes
Slept gently beside me
In my bed every night
I held you tight
I couldn’t let you go
You never got any bigger
Why didn’t you grow
The vet said your heart
It wasn’t strong enough
I heard it beating
While my own heart was bleeding
You died in that cold office
Only three months old
You were my baby
The sweetest cat I have known
Bathed in Blue
Bathed in blue light shining
Notes drifting down
Once heaven-bound
You are whispering, sighing
Deep into my soul
Touching every spot
Clear into these wanton depths
Transparent and sheer
For once, without fear
No tears, no regret
I know: I’m finally whole
Ice cold melting hot
This night cannot last forever
Like a white swan’s beauty fades
Cascading in gentle resplendent waves
With the sound dying out
Until not a single beat remains
And this heart is again silent
Blinded
Your eyes change color with the light
One moment gold; one moment blue
Shimmering, simmering
I feel so very blessed
I wish I could profess
This love to you
A vision years ago
Brought you into my soul
I searched and searched to find
Someone to match this image in my mind
Until I had to let you go
Why did fate wait so long?
Serenade me with sorrowful songs
Let me lose my faith along the way
Never believing I’d see your face
God, I wish you’d feel the same
How I wish you were mine
I ache when I gaze into your eyes
Yearning, joyous, alive
I want to be with you,
But blinded by your grace,
I turn away
Bound
Someday, someday
In muted yellow and grey
I will lay down to die
Bound by the earth
Bound by the sky
One day, one day
My body will be free from pain
I shall leave it behind
Out from the ground
Out I will fly
Today, today
The time passes as I wait
Torn, sodden, and half-blind
I long to go
Yet, I want to be alive
The Damaged Soul
We are each of us born with a purity of spirit
No baggage to weigh down our claim
Bright eyes to a golden flame
The world open wide: Nothing to fear in it
When does our innocence wane?
The first day we hear our parents yell at each other
The first cruel words said from a lover
In our school days, when a bully calls us a name
Our soul slowly rips and hides for cover
The negative forces gather in droves
Filling our heart with lost hopes
Telling us we’ll never be a good father or mother
Despair becomes a slippery slope
Falling further and further from our beginning
Dark clouds, loneliness winning
Finally, our depression makes us no better than Merope
We can no longer stop our sinning
We give our soul away forever
Believe we deserve no better
Our life out of control, spinning
Once we recognize these cruel fetters
Dampened eyes cleared from numerous tears
Our thoughts wiped clean from our fears
We can redeem our past from all debtors
Slowly, we can rise to face our peers
Repair our battered and vacant soul
Grab it back; become bold
In good actions over years and years
Yet even repaired and redeemed, we still contain holes
Cracks for past bad acts
For purity cannot be bought back
The damaged soul can never be whole
Dark To Light
In that dark place inside
Where somber shadows spy
Deep into the unknown; down a rabbit hole
Turning and twisting
Thoughts collide
Stagnant after a heavy rain
Lie dreams within your brain
Waiting to be unveiled
Instead put onto another shelf
Forgotten, sad and still
Where only dusty remnants remain
Occasionally, a soft light shines
Bringing such joy into your eyes
Illuminating the very core
I reach out for your shimmering warmth
When suddenly, you jump with me
Off this highest cliff
Battering us into a vacant shore
Each time, picking up these fragments
Leaves me bruised, battered, bent
I can’t piece us back again
Nor will I pretend this is sane
Until we both disappear
Becoming specters, empty and spent
Please follow me out of eternal night
Where angels carve out our light
Away from the unknown, guiding us both home
Loving and embracing
This Life
Decay
In the heart of my heart reside fantasies deep and dark
In the core of my soul, I’m never wholly whole
Truth and lies alike, set beside one another
Demons and lovers singing together
Twisting and turning
Baking and burning
In the eyes on my face forlorn, mirroring good and bad
What you want to see, you see, reflected, empty
A silvery dream of grey light piercing the dawn
Grey light molting until all has gone
In this chill cesspool
Leaving only you
In the hairs on my head bowed, my cracked and corrupted brow
Wrinkled and rippled, alabastered and crippled
Curving in rings like a game of musical chairs
One by one falling off; some linger here,
Refusing to move
When the tune resumes
In the lines on my dry hands, all the future schemes and plans
Pretty predictions paired to ripe ruination
Such shining suppositions have been undermined
By maledictions unfair, unkind
That foment madness
Veiled betwixt sadness
In the pain from my feet, each step gingerly, incomplete
I stumble or paralyze my own self untrue
I stab, stab, stab back at the invisible ghosts
In hopes I can hurt me and you, too
Bitter desires
Formed from angry fires
In the end and the top, where we begin and we will stop
What verity can the sagest mind wish to see
Where prior minds before ours oft have lived or been
Nothing is truly new, while much grows old
Money cannot buy life
Nor can wishes untold
disconnect
foam hope glistening
purity ripples
forms surfacing
empty space
trickles
directionless
vessel floating
moving yet motionless
time unbalanced
growing
swing pendulum
grains, sand drop
sleek momentum
wanting inertia
stop
dualistic halves
inside the void
good and bad
darkness, light
destroyed
displaced, dependent
disappearance
uncertainty’s serpent
without a clear thought
coherence
disconnected lines
words strung
together with rhymes
spiraling into
one
Faith
A flower is wilting
In the black of night,
Hidden in a crevice
Away from sight.
The most beautiful creation,
Never to be seen,
Touched by seamless water
In the deep, dark underneath.
The sunlight couldn’t reach it;
Not even a shadow roams.
This pale, lonesome flower:
Such elegance it holds.
Oh, how I long to find you
To bring you back to life,
To gaze upon your innocence
When I have lost all of mine.
The flower has wilted.
Gone, never to return.
It was the only flower:
The most beautiful on earth.
frozen statues
shadowy figures blurring on the edge
a promise forever, a bond, a pledge
what is really meant to be or happenstance
in this world of depressed and lonely romance
where we search and search for partners for the dance
ashen outcast why do I adore you
standing in the cold amidst the frozen statues
isolated, grey and silver streaks
dead and dying, mourning, grief
colour draining as the blood slowly seeps
a poem or a song carried on the wind
within a storm of cold, soulless sin
passion burning as apathy in wane
bringing your heartless fire to wrack my brain
never hearing others, waiting for you to say my name
so here we stand apart in time
a chasm between, never meeting or mine
like a flower beneath the snow
is it dead forever, or will it soon grow?
once winter ends, will springtime show?
yes, I love you if love can exist
within a whisper of forlorn sadness
as my breath catching the breeze is hushed
cut short, a beating heart that’s been crushed
which no hand had ever touched
so leave me now cruel mystery
I’ve been apt to think I’d found you
then divined lies, not truth
a wound spreading and deep
now, I lie broken
and weep
If I Wake Up
I gave my heart away
To another person who didn’t deserve it
Who didn’t want it
Here I am alone again, fading
Watching cars pass
A lit cigarette in my hand
I walk to the liquor store
After another meal by myself
Another restaurant familiar and known
I ordered meat this time
After being a vegetarian for a year
Because why should I really care
There’s a bottle in the fridge
Put there tonight
Even though it’s mid-week
And I didn’t even used to drink
There are grey hairs
Sprouting out of my skull
I’d pluck them all
But my hair is already too thin
So I’ll get drunk soon
Like my father did when I was a kid
It won’t help; it won’t lessen anything
I won’t be able to sleep better
I’ll still be alone in the morning
If I wake up at all
indigo petals
I’d tell you how it haunts me. (AFI, This Time Imperfect)
indigo petals
softly line these satiny walls
distant music plays
colorful daisies
gaily swinging into the breeze
so bittersweet
where are you
only friend
so very lost
come again
with me here
cold inside
come back dear
while statues sleep
in daytime shadows cutting deep
from harsh sunlight
too bright your eyes
when suddenly emptied of life
vast pools of dark
time moves on
pain remains
here I stay
to await
no one else
lonely days
in my life of hell
with no breath
sad brown robin
flies by; flowers on your coffin
a last goodbye
is this the end?
emptiness
The Seeds of Wisdom
I
What further seeds of wisdom need I seek
When all my thoughts are yet mean and bleak;
When endless knowledge results not in truth,
Nor in sagacity, but in a shadowy, endless room?
I have pursued the infinite, whispering wind.
To what end? May I still sadly belate.
To watch my fears slowly, softly take me hold,
Or silently to behold the swirling tides explode.
What more use have I in picking flowers
If I should only to stand to wait beside the hours,
The days, each second counting the soul:
Wasted, gone with everything before my eyes unknown.
All doubts duly teaming tear my fragile sanity from sight
As the lethargy, committing me to early death, delights.
As for you, quick death, could I breath anew?
Or, would again my doubts continue to ensue?
Happiness, in lively step I should cheer;
Melting to pure ecstasy would my memories but leave me here,
But these shadows beyond should conspire to pull me back.
Damn this eternity! Damn this wretched, infernal trap!
No other bonds, indeed, despite this hull,
Which the breath impedes to draw apart,
Leaving an existence of consistently futile remarks:
Where, lacking the strength to break the ropes, the chains, the wires,
All ideas perpetually suspend me above fatalistic desires.
II
To thee, dear night, I broach reprieve.
Believe we shall roam these vacant streets
Whose sounds of dark dissention turn to us.
Somber wind? Thou art here as well, I trust.
We shalt batter thee, breeze, the night and I;
Thy durst to whisper so close again to spy.
We shall wretch this heady power over life
By stretching thy fingers to smote the sky.
What an illusion, we will boldly forsake:
At last bestowing the world thy callous face.
Silken infant, as thou dost refuge in sleep,
We shall prove thou art naught but a feeble dream.
So smile, sweet child, before the earth grows dim;
Freeze thy frosty, thy frigid, white, blazing light.
Burn us too, but, whatever you do,
Remember these open holes will still shine through.
No doubt sleeping in Heaven, Angels can see me,
Attempting at every moment to hide the other tree.
Let it disappear, allow it to fade,
Such a purity the world must not degrade.
Then to stop, shudder, blinking thine eyes,
Forcing white clouds to cover the holes as you cry.
Acquiescence, how can I not accept defeat?
A poor peasant, fit only to become dust beneath your feet.
Thus, dust does float to mix to wind.
So, dust does flutter on feathered wings.
I will fly, I will fly, I shall finally see
Above the clouds, above the world, above the sea
Combining, intertwining to carry the true seeds.
Shards in the Moonlight
I
Should I wait to tell you too late (or not at all)
How you are the one who I love
I have thoughts of no other man
Only you should make me happy or sad
But as I debate, time turns her naked eyes
Forcing me to face this vacant life
Where, without you, the memories dully line the walls
In a chamber as empty as it is small
I have no desire to forget this fire
For the passion which keeps me awake each night
Which harkens your face to my mind
Has stirred the true spirit inside
Yet, the fear and doubt do never cease
I cannot banish them by any pleas
Would I rather to let you go,
Then to allow my heart to show?
Rejection is a constant barrier to my designs,
To these facts of love I try to hide
After all, if I am unsure of myself
Why should I put us both through hell
But purity does not guide me from you
For my departure is one of the two evils I choose
No matter if we were really meant to be
Nothing can take me from this path I lead
II
My dear, I can but call you here
Any other sign could tell my mind
Would say how I long to touch
To hold you close, my love
I am jealous due to my dependence
A smile from your eyes makes my soul fly
Out of the recesses I despise
To the light, until now, I have denied
I could gaze at you all day
And never, ever turn away
Soft, gentle as a quiet rain
I only hide from the pain
What truly prevents the wind
From consuming me with sin?
What hides the moon from sight
Except clouds on a starless night
Perhaps, one of the stars was ours.
As I face to the North
You are looking down
To the cold joining me in the ground
For you are dark and sky
As I am earth and fire
A fire so frigid to make the bones rigid
That none but I shall ever miss it
III
Will you come to me if I ask
If I release my mask
Or, would you step gingerly back
As a silent reproach
My mind does not really know
Which direction you should go
So I dare not broach the subject
I dare yet hope and hope
Still, I may not regret
Our first chance encounter
Not everyone lives happily ever after
Like a perfect couple, together
I would have been willing to accept anything
My death I should prefer
Than to not have you here
To not see your face every day
I do not care what the rest the world would say
If you should call my name feeling the same inside
If you would tell me that your love is guarded by pride,
Making you unable to look my way, unable to stay
My thoughts are no clearer than before
Each sunrise reminds me of the time left
Of the months I have you by my side
When you have gone, will I ever see you again?
shuffle, without repeat
The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me
Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away
without thinking
As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks
without blinking
without bringing up every memory of a happier day
Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear
Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt
Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay
without you
every day without you
every hour without you
The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin
I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood
I love you, I cannot say it enough now
without sobbing
my heart throbbing
the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity
Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie
Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave
Feasting on this grief
I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair
Afraid to lose you again by loving someone else
Replacing these images of you with his
ceasing to be able to limn your eyes
To describe how you were kind
forgetting every moment
blotting it from my mind
Now, this wind, this breeze ceases to shear my body
We walk along in tandem, companions, as I turn up my iPod to hear a song
with shuffle on
random
without repeat
Wiping, rubbing the tears from my cheek, I close my eyelids and begin to sing
Standing by the Gate
Do you stand by the gate and watch
As the world passes by
Singing a sad song
Hiding tears, waving goodbye
Do you watch the children playing
Having fun as each year rolls on
Or, see the lovers holding hands
Kissing as they stroll along
Do you notice the old man walking his dog
He has a silver cane and his steps are slow
The dog yanks him to go faster
But time is precious this old man knows
Can you see me watching you
I am always here, too
Standing at another gate in shadow
Never going anywhere; nothing to do
We could come out together
Greet as old friends would
Meet in the park and talk
Stroll along these cracked, lonely sidewalks
We will never do this, though
Always imprisoned in watching the world
Never joining, never leaving
Always standing still
Stay
There’s a bird in a tree and he’s singing to me
An enchanting love song of springtimes long gone
Oh, please don’t fly away
Come here and stay
Flutter your wings in the breeze
Sing, sweetly please
Be here with me
When I tight close my eyes, such a vision devise
Where light patterns grow; where these shadows will go
Whence they have sprung
As this bird’s song is sung
To undo what’s been done
Back, bring me back
My family
Yet a crow’s cawing loud in this harsh winter shroud
Hopping around in his cold leafless tree
Oh, do get thee away
Here must I stay
Listening to your wretched tune
Where death is never far
But never soon
To Be Loved
I wish that I could be loved
To hold the hand of God
That stars shining above
Could ignite a lightning rod
Many years and days alone
I walked and prayed for you
I no longer know my home
I have searched to find your truth
I sat by you on this shore
Upon rocks in the sand
Waiting to be adored
Yet, refusing to take your hand
I hear these waves crash and die
Short lifespans savage, then gone
I feel so still inside
Always a bit withdrawn
I wish that I could be loved
To believe, to be with you
To touch and to be touched
As each night and day renew
when i is lowercase
I used to believe in me, to cherish my dreams
Even in the throes of pain and grief
Despite the anger of non-forgiving
Of endless days and nights not living
Future time arrives, yet no wishes reside here
Always pushing them in front, while holding them near out of fear
As if keeping them close means they won’t go
Like a star-filled sky lighted by the moon’s soft glow
Each star has slowly fallen, tragically misplaced
The sky has grown darker with no stars replaced
Changes have come and my life has moved along
But I’m not where I want to be at all
so now I has become i and you has become u
night is nite and right it rite and true is tru
other voices, other dreams overcome my own
i travel and live in hotels, never seeing my home
even my phone has a lowercase i
apostrophe taken from words (im not sure y?)
i can barely understand the sayings in this land
ftw used to mean “fuck the world”, somehow it became “for the win”
so what do i use when i want to express
(without spelling it out)
my extreme, bitter unhappiness
to scream i hate everybody and everything?
to shout every dream is in the toilet or down the drain?
but i wont fish them out
cause now, damn it, ftw dont work
A Wandering Spirit
There’s a 10-letter word
Like the wind through the trees
When the rain is heard
The crashing of waves;
The pounding of seas:
A land far away as the sun is to me
Tears in the clouds drop down from the sky
Mirrors reflect it like space from up high
Universes cling to it:
The stars, the moons,
A wandering spirit
Yet, when this happens to me,
I’m the only one
Who happens to be
Lonely
I reclined for awhile along the river bank
Watching the water eddy and flow
Watching the stones I threw as they sank
The moon slipping with a silver glow
As I sat, I started to ponder more and more
While the water flowed slower, then stilled
No more ripples cast out to the sandy shore
I felt the stagnant peace; I lost my will
I stayed longer yet, ceasing to move
No longer breathing or being, nothing left
Content to watch with all thought removed
Void of excitement, blank, bereft
In the distance, a whirlwind was swirling
I watched as it stirred along the trees
Wanting to escape my boredom
I fell onto my knees
I prayed to become one with the whirlwind
To let it take me away
Prayed to escape my lethargy
Regardless of anguish or pain
Soon my prayer was answered
When the wind swept me into its arms
Faster and faster we twisted
Further from the river, unharmed
But the whirlwind didn’t offer solace:
It was cold, bitter, remote
Every second, every instant was different
I was unable to think again or to hope
Suddenly, the wind stopped
Returning me to the ground
The sun was directly overhead–shining, bright and round
The sky was clear blue
A beautiful ocean nearby
I could see seagulls
I could see the water teeming with life
In that instant, I realized what I had always known:
The river did not freeze my movements
I was not made of stone
I could always leave
Seek visions of my own
My inaction was imprisoning me
The whirlwind is what finally brought me home
Who I Am
Selfishly
Greedy me
where everything, everyone
directly relates to one
world revolving around the sun
Who I am
I never have a life
as much as I berate
moan and groan, deprecate
I’ll never be a wife
who then can I blame?
sitting alone, every day the same
Here again in this poem
talking about myself
focusing on the shell
where cracks dwell
where parts are broken
The future is not with me
nor in my hands
the future lies dormant
without any seeds
abandoned plans
So if I never have a life
How can I complain?
Is this a shame?
Yes, I’ll never have a child
but always be my own
never fully grown
Selfishly
Greedy me
I could be someone
instead I focus intently
on what I’ll never be
Who I am